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Your Question My Answer 
My sister made some sexual comments at Xmas to my ex-husband. We all spent the holiday weekend together, daughters, sons-in-law. We were playing games, drinking, having a great time, then she started making comments about her v being shaved , shaking her breast and a few other leud things. She has flirted big time with the ex before and I asked her stop, uses the excuse of drinking. I know I should forgive her, but having a hard time with it. No I do not want him back , we are friends that is it. Only really talk when the girls are around.
Hi Doris, thank you for writing… I wonder why your sister is challenging you? …and she’s doing it in an “in yo face!” kind of way. She knows it bothers you and uses alcohol as the excuse. She’s using your ex-husband and she’s using you to satisfy some kind of toxic craving for her own ego needs. I imagine if you think about it… this could be part of her chosen core personality, which probably manifested it self in a different egocentric way when she was too young to use mind altering drinks as her excuse for acting like the selfish person she is.
Why would you think you needed to forgive her? Does forgiving her redundant actions help her become more emotionally stable or does it send the same redundant message that it has for decades? Perhaps you could think outside the box of traditional forgiveness and consider calling her bluff and be very firm about your disgust in being manipulated in social situations where you have to stay and watch. Or do you?
Doris, when she does it again (and she will because she steals a sense of satisfaction from it) could you throw a bit of a fit, get up, walk out and actually not come back that evening? Could you close the door on those kinds of disrespectful actions? Not only is your sister being self absorbed… your Ex is too. You didn’t mention how he reacts to her sexual advances but you mentioned that your sister shakes her breasts and..” a FEW other leud things” So, I’m now assuming that he’s not opposed to her doing this time and again. What is his core issue? What kind of passive aggressive message is he trying to send to you? Both are using each other to hurt you or, use you to satisfy their mutual sexual desires for one another. It’s kind of an emotional threesome at this point. Are you “IN” or are you “OUT?” Given that perspective, do you plan to still allow it?
You don’t have to tell me, just get honest with yourself. Please begin to consider that the word: “Family” does not translate to: “Emotional Martyrdom.”
I will gently ask you to consider why you would hang around people who disrespect your feelings in such an ill intentioned way? They are well aware you are uncomfortable and yet, they enjoy it. Ugh! Ask yourself why is it that you feel you owe anyone (family or Ex or friend or associate) that you should give your energy to that which you wish to be free from?
Could you work on finding your courage to stop dragging your good self through this? You really can’t control your sister and you really can’t control the Ex husband…. but you can control yourself. What’s the worst possible thing that could happen? Could you fear that they’ll hook up and have sex? Okay. Then…could you see this as a grand life lesson and utilize it to find that point within your mindfulness not to feel an attachment to this possibility if/when it happens? What could you do now, to release yourself? Dig deep for the process. What are the steps you need to begin with to release yourself? You’ve already started because you call him your “ex.” Perhaps he’s too new of an “ex” to become a “friend” so quickly? You could choose to completely release for seven months and then revisit the friendship issue. It may not be important to you after seven months of no contact. Other activites and people will take that place.
What greatness within yourself would develop if you could find your own centeredness? Imagine! What does it feel like to let go of any illusion of expectation you attach to a sister figure or an ex husband figure. Ask yourself; “Why do I still allow such emotional abuse to continue even after the divorce? What are MY core issues that I can work on?”
Sit Shiva for them and then, let them go emotionally. Aaahhhh, to live your life liberated from such energy suckers. Imagine! …to open up that space in your life for people of a higher integrity. Fast forward seven months: You are now free to shutter at the thought of your past and continue to wallow in the childhood patterns of your own wounded spots… OR ……you are now free, to truly meditate on the thoughts of your future and set a solid plan of positive action. IMAGINE! It’s really up to you. Create your own mantra and give away your power no more. Liberation!
At a family gathering on Labor Day, my nephew found out something he never knew about his mother who passed away in 1996 from a history of drug abuse. My nephew has never known who is biological father is, as his mother was a single parent. The person who brought this subject to light is his own Aunt who, expressed that there was a possibility that his biological father was a person from her past that my Nephew had known as a child, but never knew that his mother and he had been in a relationship. The twist to this information is that she blurted it out in a room full of people who were not family members making my Nephew shocked and hurt by the insensitive manner by which this news was delivered.
Never knowing who his father is, and finding out in this manner, sent him into a tailspin, Occasionally at family gatherings there is alcohol available. (this time there was) My nephew, and many others of us had already had a drink or two, but my nephew drank more than he should have and he behaved and said things he should not have said. He knows he screwed up and deeply regrets his behavior.
A lot has happened since this last get together, most of it good with regards to my nephew and his desire to find his biological father.
Now we are at Thanksgiving. His aunt (the one who insensitively blurted out the info at the last gathering)
said she would not attend Thanksgiving this year if alcohol was served. Well, my husband being the stinker he is, sent an email “to her only”, stating he was going to bring her Wild Turkey 101 (being it is Thanksgiving hence the Wild Turkey reference). To let you know his aunt has a bachelor’s degree in Family Drug and Alcohol counseling. In response to this email to her she proceeded to send this email to the entire family including her nephew the one who so regretted his previous behavior and I quote:
“Bring it… and I’ll share it with everyone…: ) then our entire family can be featured on the TV show family intervention… LOL! its obvious our family cant handle liquer from the last episode… remember????”
Obvisouly not….
Maybe we should drink more!!!
Cheers!!!
This to me was again an insensitive comment coming from not only professional with a degree, but someone who should be sensitive to the feelings of her own flesh and blood. This is where I need your thoughts. I typically don’t stir things up with her (my sister) however, this really bothered me. So I called her and told her what I thought that our nephew already regretted his behavior and why would she send this to him and the entire family? I asked her “were you drunk when you wrote this email to everyone?”
This is when she proceeded to say she would not be attending Thanksgiving this year and she would not discuss the issue any further and she hung up on me. I tried on several occasions to text, call, email to resolve this but she won’t have any of it. She texted and stated that it is “obvious that she doesn’t fit into this family and I’m (meaning she’s done) done!!!”
She then proceeded to send this email to every family member:Blanks are for names left out>
“Good morning to all… It is obvious to me that some of our family may have taken my previous email seriously…. as in “were you drunk when you wrote this” statement I received earlier today. My intent of my email was to joke about our last family gathering… even poking fun at myself. So sorry that was not obvious to everyone.
I love you all so much it hurts. When anyone of you struggle I carry it on my shoulders. When you feel joy you lighten my steps. But I think my way of thinking can hurt some of you as I’ve been told. So to make everyone feel comfortable I will not be attending Thanksgiving this year. Please do not call or ask me about it… my decision is final. I will however be sending down with ___ green rice casserole… Yes ___ I’m making you a side of your very own : )!!! A dessert, and whatever ___ is to bring.
____ – can ___please ride down with you????
I wish all of you a peaceful loving Thanksgiving!!!
Love to all _
I did respond to her via text regarding this email, stating that I felt my perspective was valid considering the circumstances with our nephew and that going forward I would be not be comfortable sharing my thoughts with her, if she was going to react in this manner, by not being open to another possible point of view.
Please, if you would be so kind to let me know, did I over react to this situation? I have been told many times over the years that I am too empathetic. I feel empathy for my nephew, because he has been through a lot.
I would love to know your thoughts.
Thanks
“Anne”
Hi Anne, thanks for your lengthy question…. and for articulating so well. There are a lot of “should not have done that(s)”…..but it’s done. By everyone. The Aunt, without thought of emotional consequence, blurted out who she mused the boy’s father might be. Your husband was a “stinker” but perhaps his intention was to open dialogue about the uneasy situation before the next gathering? The Aunt responded, trying to be funny, but was probably feeling emotional sorrow, so it came out as nervous laughter over email. (That rarely goes well, I’ve done it myself). Sometimes we just hit that “send button” too quickly.
Could it be Anne, that you unconsciously harbor higher expectations of your sister because she has the degree in Drug and Alcohol counseling? Or perhaps she appears to live a life style that is more organized than the rowdy bunch that usually gather for holidays and deep down, without remembering that fleeting moment of Ego, you all could feel a little judged by her? These are just questions for you to answer to yourself. I’m just throwing them out here.
You never mentioned if your Nephew apologized to his Aunt directly for his nasty response to her selfish outburst in a very inappropriate situation. As adults, we really can’t control others but we always must take full responsibility for our own actions and be willing to apologize. Oddly, the apologizing part happens way more often with friends then family. I personally think the key to this enigma is in one word: Expectation.
Look, she’s sending food=love through others, to the Thanksgiving feast this year. She might be saying, “I’m not judging.. I love you all… but my heart can’t be IN the possibility of family stress right now.” Anne, could you be okay with this? She’s sending food to let everyone know, she isn’t judging… she just wants/needs freedom from the possibility of family stress. She may have wanted to do this for several years but never found the courage because of the expectations of not only her family but American tradition. It’s a lot to break free from.
You text her back saying your perspective was valid. Did that mean hers is invalid? Or, are your perspectives at this point… both valid? If friends invited you for Thanksgiving, could you tell them, “No thanks.” …. why is it never okay that we tell our family the same?
Family is in part: Intense. Un-altruistic. Unforgiving. Expectant. Judgmental. …and sure, all the good stuff too.
It’s very possible that the Aunt is going through some rough emotional times herself and right now, she’s just not willing to take on the deep family history and glasses of alcohol. Is that okay? Is it okay to be part of a family by birth order and take a long break and some day, come back to the flock?
Seems like she’s chosen her path for the holidays. Your path is that you plan to carry on with supporting the nephew. Everybody has the right to choose a different spiritual path yes?
You might encourage your husband and every one else in the family group to e-send her a funny, or loving e-card for Thanksgiving, or send a snail mail card and tell her she will be missed but she is always loved. ….and then brace yourself for Christmas….she may choose to walk her own path next month as well. Can you be okay with her choices?
The one thing I want to warn of is that the holidays pose the biggest threat of suicide. IF you empathically sense this could be an issue with the Aunt who is choosing to pull away… then DO address that. I don’t think a person can be too empathic. Those of us who are, just need to know when to hold it, and when to let go.
Here’s the part I found most interesting that the Aunt caused, “A lot has happened since this last get together, most of it good with regards to my nephew and his desire to find his biological father.” I suppose that may never have happened without the Aunt’s insensitive outburst of information during the Labor Day gathering?
Peace be with ____… and with _____… and with _____… and with _____ …and with _____…. and with you. Let’s eat!
Here is my deal. My husband is an internet technician who has been primarily involved in helping people protect themselves from preditor relationships. I have been enjoying being a member of Facebook, reconnecting with old friends…. for the most part. Recently friends from decades ago have reconnected and made my experience on FB, uncomfortable, they have taken the fun out of social networking. Too clingy, and energy sucking. They asked for my phone number which I gave and now text me too often over issues unrelated to my comfort level. What could I post to let everyone know, why I stopped FB? Another thing I would like you to know, I feel like it is something I want to do, and should. I just don’t want to leave my “people” hanging with wonder.
Thanks for your question Ledina,
You could first, evaluate through quiet self-analysis if your husband’s work environment and beliefs haven’t, on some unconscious level, filtered into your mind? Is he introverted and you, extraverted? Are you trying to please him by closing down your Face Book account? You had stated that you enjoyed being a member of Face Book until recently. This is one incident… do you want to deny yourself the connection to EVERYONE else because of one issue YOU CAN control?
So, it’s a glitch that could be taken care of with different actions. If you really do enjoy FB and these people are “too clingy” and if their texts are simply annoying… You might TELL them in a private FB message that you are charged for each text you send and receive and do not wish to be contacted in this manner unless it is an emergency. In that case, they might want to dial 911 instead. Could they honor that request? Further to the point, tell them you wish to use your phone in the same manner ~ it’s just the season of your life and you hope they can honor your requests for no texts and very minimal phone calls (if this is a problem with them as well). You don’t have to answer your phone. Really, you don’t. If they can’t abide by your rules, you can easily block their phone number.
If they “post” on your FB page, pictures or statements which annoy or make you uncomfortable, simply “remove” the post. Ask anyone near you to show you how to do this. You have this power and right, on your own page. IF they ask you why you removed their post, tell them with words, “Your post made me feel uncomfortable.” If they contact through “Chat” on FB, why do you feel the need to respond? Simple collapse the pop-up chat box and continue what you were doing.
Ledina, the bigger question might be, “Why are you becoming invisible in your social life so that you don’t have to face or correct any conflicts?” Where might you be running to? It’s just a self-check question.
If you are an outgoing person and do receive a great enjoyment out of connecting with everyone else on your list… why deny yourself this experience? Be very clear with yourself, that you are closing down your FB account for all the right reasons. It seems to me, you really enjoy Face Book interaction.
If after some soul searching, the anxiety you feel from networking on FB is more than the enjoyment you feel, then it’s time to let go. You can post a general statement after your name in the box saying, “Thanks for the memories.” Those that have your personal email address will still have it. Those who you wish to give it to before you close up ~ send it to them in a private FB message. You might find in six months, you’d like to reopen your account. No worries.
I hope I’ve been helpful. ~C
How about some work advice for a very old friend and former neighbor? I’ve got an employee retiring in a few weeks–call him “Bill”. He and his wife had many plans, but her inoperable cancer has derailed them all. She’s in the final stages now, working with hospice, but I dread the “perfect storm” for Bill as it looks as if within days, he will retire and his wife will die.
He’s going to be very lost at that time. What is my responsibility as an employer? What should I be doing as a person?
– Ron
Ron, thank you for your question. Your responsibility is two-fold since you are not only an Employer (with a capitol E), but also a person who cares about the welfare of another person. As my own husband was dying… I found it very comforting, that each day, in the last 2 weeks of his life, I received a phone call from a different manager in the company of which I worked. This was before cell phones so when I walked in the door each late night, I heard a voice in the dark. This simple act of kindness gave me the sense that I had a support system just over the hill. I was also told that I could take as much time as I needed and my job would be available to me IF I decided to come back. This is something you could offer if it’s possible. Even part-time, consultant, and/or a different position. He may choose that for a short time. (I stayed 4 months after my husband died).
After she passes, you could send a rather large plant ~ something that won’t die, but instead, he could take care of. (Mine is still alive, nearly 11 years later).
And last, remember that in the 2 weeks after his wife passes… he will have lots of support, but then… people will go back to their busy schedules… this is when you can learn the most about how to serve someone who is left behind. Let him talk as much as he needs to. Bring up her name as much as you can. Allow him to talk about every little thing. It should never be an invisible situation that she had to let go of her life. At first, you may feel awkward, but in the end, you, reaching out to him is really the gift you give yourself.
The holidays are coming up. Does he have a large family or support sytem? How could you best serve his needs? Isn’t this really what Christmas is supposed to be about ~ giving? Anyone can give a gift but how about sitting in a circle of sorrow, and mostly in silent reverence? People in general shy away from death and the circumstances of those left behind but I find it one of the best times to grow my own soul. I hope I’ve helped. Wishing you the very best, C