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… I was born and reside in the USA, and have been fortunate to have traveled to 8 other countries…. 3rd world being my favorite. It’s the part where the ego doesn’t live. Where death and dying are the spring well of life. This is where I have found my finest hours, travelling within.
I’ve also co-owned six businesses, lived with men, cats, dogs and children. I’ve had great female house mates too and maintained the same sister friends since I was around 10-15 years old.
I’ve experienced friendships with people who are so religious they possess cult like tendencies and people who live on the full opposite side of the spectrum: absolute atheism. My friends are a rainbow of personalities and no one is judged harshly.
I’ve buried a husband and too many friends (not at the same time). Brain cancer, aids, lung cancer, suicide, old age (finally!) and car wrecks. They are the people I honor every day, by living my life with integrity. I’ve had my share of victories and in the oddest of ways. The most important ones seemed very quiet.
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What I’ve read so far has been spot on, particularly your comments on being raised by emotionally, physically abusive parents. I’ve had to learn to live with that, myself. Thank you for being willing to share your insights.
Thank you Kathryn! Thank you for reading.
I am new here but saw your blog post and it struck a nerve with me. I grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive home. My parents fought about money my entire time there and I would always try to say to myself that I wanted to get used to the yelling and screaming but I never could. I remember being very young and begging them not to fight but they would completely ignore me like I wasn’t even there and I would run to my room and cry and feel so much hurt. I honestly am having a hard time even writing this much so far but I still want to let it out and perhaps it will help me heal. One time my mom got so mad at my dad that she took a car part that my dad had in the kitchen and hit him in the face with it and he was in the floor bleeding and me and my brothers were trying to console him when he was crying. He was a door to door salesman and my mom was a stay at home mom and she was always jealous that he was out all day and had in her mind he was sleeping around so she would accuse him of that and would lock him out of the house and sometimes scream and punch him and force him to get in his car and yell at him to leave and us kids would be begging him to stay, I’m sure all the neighbors would be watching. My dad never helped my mom with us kids and she was pretty much on her own so she was bitter about that. She would do everything with us like baseball in the yard and taking us to parades and fairs because she really wanted us to be happy but then it would always end up she would get mad at us about something so it was never that fun. My dad had a really bad cursing problem so he would cuss us out all the time along with my mom and was verbally abusive. He would get the belt out and hit us wherever it landed on our bodies if he was annoyed with us. It was so weird that even though I was in this environment I still loved my parents and I still do. But I think every child wants to be loved and no matter how they are treated will still have that child/parent bond. The kids at school made fun of me and bullied me because I was shy so I was treated horribly, especially in 4th grade. I went home crying everyday in 4th grade and was scarred emotionally from this. The school put me into counseling because my parents dropped us off late for school almost everyday because they couldn’t get their act straight. The counselor asked me a lot of questions and I told them I slept in the same bed as my mom and they called DFS on my parents. There wasn’t anything bad going on, I was just scared to sleep by myself. I felt so guilty that I caused this so when we went to the DFS meeting I tried to be really happy and lied. They asked me if I could have anything in the world what would it be and in my mind I wanted to say that I wanted my dad to stop cussing but instead I told them I wanted a bike. I guess we did fine in our interview and we weren’t taken away but I never trusted any counselors after that. When I became a teenager my mom would always tell me that I was good for nothing and lazy and would yell and cuss me out. She was controlling where she would do all the housework and wouldn’t let us do anything because she felt we wouldn’t do a good enough job but then would get mad at us for not doing anything. One time we went to the fair and she started playing a fair game and the guy kept telling her to spend more and more and she wouldn’t stop and I was begging her to stop because I knew we didn’t have any money. She lost the game and didn’t win anything and she blamed it on us kids and boy did we get chewed out all the way home. To this day I get really uncomfortable around fair games and makes me feel afraid. Even though I went through these circumstances I was a fighter and wanted to make something of myself so I signed up to go to the college near my town and when I got the acceptance letter in the mail I was so excited and I showed it to my mom and she didn’t act like she cared and I went to my room crying. I wanted so badly for her to be proud of me but she wasn’t. It took me 10 years to graduate but I hung in there without really any guidance from anyone and got my degree in Business Management. I really had no idea what I was doing most of the time in college but I am a persevering person and I was going to keep going. My college days started going down a bad path where I met up with some young people that pretended to be my friend if I bought them alcohol since they were underage. I eventually told them that I was very depressed and the alcohol wasn’t helping me and they left my life because all they wanted was the alcohol. So, here I thought I actually had friends but was betrayed. I became severely depressed and went to the doctor at the college and they sent me to a counselor, which I didn’t want to do since I didn’t trust counselors. I did tell the young counselor some of my problems and she gave me antidepressants and I just felt like I was such a weirdo for taking those. They didn’t help so I threw them away and never went back. I had been doing self mutilization some since I was a senior in High School but I became very obsessed with it because it was the only way I could see my pain and it relieved me. I could never get a boyfriend because no one was ever interested in me so I felt worthless and wondered what was wrong with me. My life was in shambles and I wanted to kill myself but I had heard when I was young that if you kill yourself you go to hell and I didn’t want to go there so I stayed alive in misery. The turning point in my life that saved me was some major miracles that happened to me that led me to God and he delivered me from my pain and saved me. My parents were saved after me and God worked so much in their lives and even though they are still flawed they are nothing like they were when I was young and I am so thankful for that. But, to this day I have to try and not think about my childhood and sometimes I try to think of something positive that happened to me and I can’t and normally only can remember bad things. So, it’s not easy for a child to go through circumstances where their parents are abusive to them and they really have to overcome a lot in their lives. I hope and pray that God helps those children you mentioned.
HI “New”, thanks for sharing your story, I’m feeling honored that you found the courage to write and in some ways, relive the story again. I read it, then I read it one more time. It ‘reads’ like you’re learning to compartmentalize your childhood with authentic adult thinking but the memories do still haunt you on some level. You may even suffer with a bit of post traumatic stress syndrome. Perhaps?
I came across an epiphany many years ago now:>> I am not going to get the apology I think I deserve.<< That's right. The fact is, there is no apology long or deep enough to heal what you were forced to live through. Even if your parents say "I'm sorry." … does that really cover it completely? So, though they committed the horrific crimes, it is you who will rise up and heal yourself.
Let's do a bit of visualization. … but before that, answer this question. If you could CLEARLY SEE that the person offending you was learning disabled in some way….would you be angry, disappointed or hold a great sadness if that person was yelling at you, telling you that you're worthless or throwing things at you or those you want to love… would it still hurt you as much, knowing they were utterly unable to process emotions like you are?
I mean to say, if you could actually see it on their face that they were mentally challenged in a big way.. would you feel a great sadness from their actions or would you say to yourself, "Oh, that man or that woman is learning challenged, autistic, mentally challenged, very low I.Q., etc. and so then you might think to yourself……..
" I'm choosing to process and forgive this situation quicker knowing that their mental capacity is much slower and lower than mine."
From that perspective, as you look at their face as they're committing 'crimes' you may even feel a sense of gratitude that you, are not them.
Okay, so close your eyes and visualize your mom as this person who is emotionally retarded. Now look over at your father and you see, he is also emotionally retarded. This is a state of being. They simply, were not capable of doing better, for what ever reasons, even if that reason is selfishness and inability to put their children before their own egos… which is a form of emotional retardation… they were not capable. You would not stay hurt at a person whose I.Q. was so low that they could not process normal school work. So, why be angry at people whose emotional I.Q. is so low they can not process life work?
So, the bigger question is, how do you forgive a seemingly normal looking but emotionally retarded person who quite possibly did not have the right mentor-ship to steer them in a better direction?
You mentioned God and how you and they, have found a place for God in your lives more recently. I imagine this focus has helped greatly and there is still some work to do in this area of your mind. For you and them, God is the mentor.
Another visualization you can practice is focusing on your personal accomplishments. I can think of several on your behalf. You made it through your childhood with the ability to write a letter like this to a stranger. You are smart, articulate and a person who is practicing self-actualization. Believe me, MANY have walked an easier childhood path and haven't developed emotionally and they are well into their 60's. You're doing fine. Keep letting go, keep striving and when or if you have a child or children.. then I already know, you will gift the little ones your loving ways and mentor them with good guidance and if you do disagree with their father, you will never do so in such a way as you harm your child.
In this way, you will heal your past… by doing good in your present. You will choose to stop the cycle of violence thereby empowering your child(ern) to make better more healthy choices in the future. … and the future does unfold.
This is how we ultimately heal… you no longer have to look back, it's certainly not who you are and the more you accomplish and come into your own soul work, the past will just be a story you tell sometimes. When you're 90, it will just be an early chapter in the book of your life. You read the chapter several times… but you're also writing your next chapter this very moment. Live in the now of who you are. Celebrate your strengths, your joy, cherish those who cherish you and all that you do to make the world around you a better place. You're good!
I hope I've helped.
I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s both equally educative and
amusing, and without a doubt, you’ve hit the nail on the head.
The issue is something that not enough people
are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy that I came across this in my search for something relating to this.
Thank you for your kind words.
I am madly in love with a woman… she lived with me for a year but she did not feel for me as I did for her, this is why I think we could not get along all that well. She moved to LA to take care of her grandmother. Ever since we have been apart, we have grown closer, we talk every day sometimes all day and, went as far as to get web cams so we can see each other. This may sound crazy but I am going to see her for a visit. I am thinking about selling my house and moving closer to her. I guess what I want to know; does this sound normal? Am I making a mistake? I really love her with all my heart and I want her to be a part of my life but I do not want a long distance relationship. Just wonder what you think.
Hi and thank you so much for writing. I’ve always been a big believer that it’s better to have loved and lost than never have taken the healthy risk. Consider that, the depth of our sorrow when we have to let go is equal to the depth of our love. This pain can allow us to measure our ability to love throughout life and really, isn’t that what life is about… practicing the depth of our love?
Based on the little you have shared with me here…..I think you should go for a visit and become the best listener, the best judge of body language and be open to however the relationship plays out. Let her take the lead in bringing up the possibility of another, deeper relationship. Let her ask you to move to her area of the country. Selling your home is a big step and can actually take a number of months, but let her ask you to do this. You write as though you really love her and want to be with her and for that reason alone, the risk is well worth the possible pain and suffering. …and what is pain and suffering over a broken or lost love anyway? It just proves your ability to love deeply. This is a beautiful thing, yes, even the pain of losing. Take the risk! What is ‘normal’ when it comes to love and the strong desire to be in a healthy partnership? People are wired for this… a house is just “4 walls and a floor” ~ you can always buy another if you want to. Or you could find a good renter too, that way if this doesn’t work out, you could move back…or if you sell it, you could move on. Life is a series of chapters ~ you seem ready to write your next one. Wishing you the very best.
Hello,
A mutual friend of ours (who is amazing and wonderful) suggested I check out your website. As far as the website goes it is great, you sound like a fantastic person who is willing to help others, which I admire.
I am writing today to get your thoughts on my situation. I will give a some detail however as this has been going on close to a year, neither one of us has time for the whole story. In a nut shell my husband of 15 years married, 20 in relationship found him self emotionally involved with a co worker. When we first realized this was what it was we (or I thought based on what he was telling me) were going to work on this together and work things out. Well…. that was close to a year ago and after marriage counseling, marriage retreat, much soul searching of my own, current counseling on my own, a priest/friend and also a couple of Spiritual guides who I speak to regularly, my husband will not end this relationship with the woman.
He has admitted it is a problem and is sorry to hurt me but for the third time in the past year he wants to handle this on his own in his own way, his own plan, and end this the right way because “she is his friend and he can’t just abandon her”. I might also add that while in marriage counseling with him and working on myself while pouring 100% into saving our marriage I was not aware that he was still in contact/relationship with this woman. I just found that out about a month ago.
Part of me is saying Love is patient Love is kind and really wants to stick with him in the hope that the man I spent the last 20 years with will wake up and come back to him self, God and our marriage. I am however beginning to feel a bit like a doormat. For the sake of time I will not give detail but the conversations we have are very confusing. For example I get “I am hopeful for our marriage and willing to work on this” “to my heart is just not in this marriage and I do not know if I want to be married anymore.”
As far as his actions, we live in the same home and as long as I do not bring up the issue of “his friend” we get along fine. We can laugh; make decisions, and share feelings and thoughts.
It seems that my husband is on some sort of Spiritual journey and is trying to find something that is missing within. I support him on that and would be willing to accept that perhaps our marriage just was not meant to be but it just does not seem right to accept this when we have not tried (both of us) to save our marriage and search our true selves without this other person in the picture.
Whew, this sounds a little crazy but a lot has happened in the past year.
Will be waiting for your thoughts, while I continue to live in love and gratitude.
Dear kind Frannie,
Thank you for your honest well written note. Your husband will not end the relationship with the woman. He is willing to tell you what you need to hear because he will not end the relationship with you either. So, you must decide if you are going to accept the other woman being part of your life on some level. If not her…then another lover will come along and he may attach to that woman. He likes it like that. If he felt truly uncomfortable with himself after all he’s put you through, your shocked heart, your sadness, the betrayal, etc…..then he would have ended it…but he is not. This is what your husband is choosing at this time in his life. You didn’t mention if he and his lover still work at the same company. That’s what she is…his lover. Since you really can’t control his feelings for her, his sex with her or his yearnings for her…..The bigger question is… can you just “be” with this silent threesome? How does this play on your own self worth? Some women are okay with “the other woman.” Not many.
Frannie, if this situation, in any way, makes you feel like you’re the doormat then there is your challenge and the life lesson. How might you go about correcting that? You are not really part of a team on this correction. His words to you say one thing but his actions are very clear. Can you see that now? This is your own spiritual journey. Please don’t worry about him…. do take care of yourself as the Universe would honor you in doing so.
What is the highest good you wish for yourself? Can your husband’s conduct with his lover contribute to uplifting and supporting you to your highest good? If he, his lover or the situation stops you from growing spiritually, then given the information you’ve stated on how you have tried many avenues from marriage counseling to retreats, etc…. it may be time to think about letting go, in love. You don’t have to hate him or even be angry… just honor his choice as you honor your own choice…..what ever that may be…. no judgements from me.
Let go of your emotions, let go of what is familiar for what you will become. If you choose to let go, then may i suggest you begin meditating on what it feels like to be a single woman… to meet new friends and some day in the future…there is your next life partner. He’s standing right now… somewhere in this world… perhaps he’s suffered a great loss himself, or maybe that will come next week or next month… but you must prepare yourself for your own future, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
It might help you to separate and then pray for your ex-husband….but be praying for your new life partner as well…he’s out in the world, wondering where you are.
I hope I’ve helped. ~C
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now. I met him early September when he was visiting LA from NY. He used to live in LA and moved to NY a year ago for his job. We talked on the phone for about a month and then started dating early oct. We did the long distance for about a month and then he decided he wanted to move back to LA to be with me. So he moved here on November 1st. This all kind of happened really quickly. He made it sound like he wanted move things really quickly and that he was ready for marriage if I was the right one. I know he didn’t have much friends in NY so I know he was happy to be back to be with me, his family and friends.
The past 2 ½ moths we constantly fight/disagree all the time and about the little things we shouldn’t be fighting about. We fight or disagree with each other almost every day we see each other. He is 30 and I am 36.. I am not sure if it’s because of our age that he is always debating with me and trying to prove me wrong. This is just one example of our disagreements, we went to a Mexican restaurant and they gave us corn tortillas instead of flour tortillas and I wanted flour and I told him no this is not flour and he was like yes it .. he said I know my Mexican food and I know this is corn and he starts raising his voice and getting agitated. So I was ok lets ask the server and the server agreed it was flour then he’ll be like oh ok. I feel like every time we have a disagreement he gets really defensive and start raising his voice and then it turns into a fight. I have to get a third person to agree with me for him to believe me. And if there isn’t a third person with us we just continue arguing who is right. And most of time I am right. But these are little stupid things that I guess we shouldn’t be fighting about and we should just talk like adults and not fighting to prove each other wrong. I have tried to talk to him nicely and not fight with him but anytime I don’t agree with him he gets all defensive and start raising his voice at me. We tried talking about it and he said he feels like I always have to be right and that I think I am always right. But the problem is because he is younger than me and I have more experience than him and I am more knowledgeable than him. I feel like we don’t see eye to eye at all. I am not saying I know everything.. there are times where I don’t know certain things he knows more than me and I would ask him and agree with him. I am at the point where sometimes I just agree with him or don’t say much to him to avoid fights. When I don’t disagree with him everything is good. But I am not the type of girl that will just not say anything when I know is wrong. This is just one example… other examples of our disagreements would be like how long a model of a car has been out or ending of a movie or which route to take … like little things like this.
We have other issues too. The first 1 1/2 month he would just invite his coworkers to come over when we have plans for me to go over to his house. I pretty much only spend weekends with him so I am usually at his house the whole weekend and a lot of time he would invite his coworkers to come over. I feel like he doesn’t want to spend alone time with me and we are at our beginning stage where we should be spending some alone time to get to know each other. I know he hasn’t really hung out with his coworkers for the past a year and is trying to make up for lost times. I know he didn’t have a lot of friends in NY but he sees his coworkers on the weekdays and hang out on the weeknights. I did talk to him about it because we were hanging out with his co-workers every weekend for about 1 ½ month and he agreed with me that we should spend more alone, quality time. I feel like I have to always tell him how to be a good bf or what do to for him to do it. I have to guide him. He is not very experienced with relationships and not used to something so serious. But I am like then why would you feed me all this in the beginning like you are really serious and ready for marriage. He made it sound like he wanted to move very quickly and that he is ready for a serious relationship. One thing about him is if I do talk to him and tell him how I feel he is willing to change and try to work it out with me. But I kind of have to always tell him or complaint to him for him to do it. Like for example I was really sick this week and I haven’t seen him all week and he does call me to see if I am ok but he didn’t offer to come by to bring me food or come see me. He lives only 10mins away. Maybe I am used to bfs come by and take care of me when I am sick. I want him to do it without me telling him what he needs to do. So I told him how I felt and that I was kind of disappointed that he didn’t offered to bring me food and that I told him that I wish he was a little more considerate of me because if he was sick I would make him soup and bring it to him right away. I want to be with someone who can take care of me when I am sick and who can be there for me when I am stressed and that it goes both ways because that is how I am when I am in a relationship. That is a huge quality I look for in a guy and I told him if he cant be that then we are not right for each other. And he was like you are right I feel really bad that I haven’t been there for you and that I should be more considerate of you and that he has been really stressed with his family issues. His brother has ADHD and he thinks he might have bi-polar and his brother has been threatening his parents and recently his brother was arrested for threatening his parents and started a fight with him. I know he has been going through a lot family issues and has been stressed but I am not asking a lot just want him to do things for me. It wasn’t like he was busy this week. He was just at home doing nothing and he hung out with his co-workers like 2 nights playing video games.
Another thing that bothers me is that he is Korean and I am Chinese and he never likes to eat Chinese food with me. He eats other asian food but he doesn’t like to eat Chinese food with me. Every time I ask him to eat Chinese he’ll say he doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t eat much Chinese food because he has never really explore Chinese food but he is not willing to explore Chinese food with me. But that is my culture and I want to him learn my culture. And the first time I met his cousin, we all went to eat dinner and he was speaking Korean 70% of the time to her when she speaks English. He was born in the states and I didn’t even know his Korean was that good. That really made me feel uncomfortable and I really thought that was really rude because I was the only Chinese at the table and didn’t understand anything they were saying. He shouldn’t of spoke English to make me feel comfortable .. it’s like they didn’t speak English.
I really don’t know what I should do and not sure what to do to make this relationship work or if it’ll work. I am not sure if it’s me or is it him. Am I doing something wrong? Should I continue the relationship ? I feel like I have really tried and made efforts and it’s not improving. I feel like these disagreements are not something we can compromise .. it’s really right or wrong. I am ready for marriage and don’t want to waste my time if he is not the right one. I am lost.. please help me.
Thank you for your post “lost girl!” I appreciate you taking time to ask about this ego centered dilemma you are experiencing.
Age has nothing to do with emotional maturity so let’s strike that age thing off the table. We’ve all been witness to some very wise 25 year olds and some ridiculous 45 year olds. Pick any age… wisdom and emotional stupidity can be found in all of them. You may very well be the same emotional age as your BF but in different ways. You state that he “sounded like” he wanted to move things very quickly and if you were “the one” he would marry you. To his credit, he may have been truly feeling that at the time he said it… but now, he’s not feeling so lonely any more…he’s back home among friends and family and you are a good addition to his group. I do think he was feeling very lonely in New York. Perhaps his emotions are more in check now? Please don’t feel as though you are being tossed to the side….but people and situations quickly change. We can’t control others. We really can’t.
These “little stupid things” that you two are arguing over are not the real issues. If you, or your BF are unconsciously trying to establish a “king of the hill” strategy in this relationship then neither of you are ready for an authentic partnership. You or he, might only be in love with the idea of marriage but terrified of the actual commitment. This could be why you both are bickering so much. ..and that’s okay, just own it, or allow him to.
You know girl, you shouldn’t really have to tell a lover that he could be spending more time with you, or bring you chicken soup when you’re sick, or even that those flour tortillas are really corn or that he should speak a language every one can understand at the table. Just the idea of you should inspire him to be a better man. Your character and the way you relate to him, should compel him to come over and see you when you’re sick, your striking personality should make him desire to spend alone time getting to know you, and your issues with the little things, should cause him to call over the server and get your damn flour tortillas. ….but none of this is true in your case. Equally true; he may not inspire you to be your best self. Perhaps it’s not a match made in heaven? While reading your long letter, You never mentioned how much you really love him. Well..do you? ~ or are you just tired of being alone and bored with your life. It’s a core issue question. Own the answer.
There is a book called, “The Five Languages of Love.” http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ . Get it, read it with him…..and if he is unwilling to share the truths, then that may be an answer in itself. That’s okay if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you…. Let the Universe work its magic. If we force a situation, lives are really lost. (You think you feel lost now…. staying in the wrong relationship can steal your soul).
Throughout your letter, you stated all his crimes…but really, I wasn’t able to see any self-responsility in your note….this could come from a place of your own feelings of broken expectation and only you know what baggage you’ve brought into the relationship. We all do it, but how many are conscious of it? Think about your own springboard of emotions that have come from other relationships. Perhaps you are not as logical at 36 as you wish to believe? In such a short time, you are impatient. You want what you want. I got the sense that you are not taking much responsibility for your own self-actualization. Stop looking outside yourself for the answers. If you see he is not ready and you are not willing to wait another (fill in the blank) years…..then bow to his honor, thank him for the time served…and gently move on.
Additionally, men are wired differently than women emotionally. It has nothing to do with him being Korean and you Chinese. He may have seen the time spent with friends and you, as a celebration of his love for you. …but you saw it has off-putting. He may have a childhood sleeping fear that Chinese food and the consumption of it is wrong because he is Korean. People are crazy! Plus, you may be dealing with him being bi-polar. His family doesn’t seem very stable. Often, the way a son relates to his mother is the way he will relate to his wife. The way a boy grows up watching his father relate to his mother is a similar way he will treat his wife. Are you observing the parents relationship yet? You have been “together” with this man such a short amount of time… I fear you are blind. …Thus the old wives saying to their children, “If you have sex before marriage, it will blind you.”
University of Pennsylvania psychiatrist Dr. Christos Ballas said part of the vulnerability of the 18 to 25 set stems from a selfish, angry world view that is typical for that age group.
“It’s a time where you’re full of a lot of rage and narcissism,” he told AOL Health, adding that some men experience these feelings up to the age of 30. “You haven’t lived enough of your life to know about the long-term consequences. You don’t have any markers.”
There are plenty of books available to read about building strong relationships, you don’t have to grope in the dark . I just googled “Books on Relationships”…and a bunch of options popped up…even tests you can take. Go ahead, you’re worth it! If your current BF refuses to share in your new research project…. then certainly, start your exploration anyway. The right answers will come with help from experts.
Wishing you all the best. ~C
I’m 30 years old, and have been dating a 42 year old man for 2.5 years. At first, we started off as friends, because he came across as a “player.” At the time, I also happened to be in a long distance relationship with a man my age. But the relationship was not a happy one, and we ended breaking up. The friendship with the 42 year old man soon turned into romance. He knew what to say, when to say it, and seemed like he knew exactly what to do to make women fall in love with him. I was intrigued by this man, because of his charismatic charm. As time went on, we grew closer together, and the relationship got more serious. He told me the thought of marriage never occurred to him, until he met me. Later I found out that he actually considered marrying two other women in the past, but his mother disapproved.
Which brings me to his mother. She is a very controlling and demanding 80 year old woman. She went through a divorce, and had gave birth to my boyfriend with her lover. She worked hard, and became a self-made millionaire. She has always controlled my boyfriend with money, and raised him to believe that money is the most important thing in life. All day, she gossips, and only says spiteful things about others. She also looks for any reason to complain about me. If I take her to a place that does not meet her high expectations, she’ll consider me to be cheap, and disrespectful. She never spends a penny of her own money, but loves it when her son and other people spend money on her. She almost finds reasons to disapprove of me dating/marrying her son.
I know my boyfriend has been having affairs with other women, and continue to buy them lavish gifts. Some, he pays their bills and gives them monthly allowance. He does the same for me, which is why I felt obligated to stay in the abusive relationship. I gave up my career, friends, and independence, because I believed everything he told me: that he eventually wanted to settle down and have a family. He said if he were to get married I would be the only woman he would marry. He promised to have a child with me, but he’d be more comfortable having a child first, to test the waters, before actually getting married. This is against all the values I grew up with, but I actually considered.
After 2.5 years together, he has gotten more violent and distant with me. I feel more like a housekeeper than a significant other. He asks me to clean the house, get him a drink, prepare a meal, etc. I know he still keeps in contact with his former lovers, and continues to pay their bills. I also know that he continues to meet new mistresses, and buys them expensive gifts. However, with me, he has gotten frugal, and even gets angry when I buy something for myself. I feel like he things it’s a waste of money to spend money on me. His temper has gotten out of control too. He calls me nasty names, and screams at the top of his lungs. It gets so intimidating and scary at times, that I feel my heart racing in fear of what he might do. He hasn’t gotten physically violent yet, but he’s definitely capable. He has threatened me numerous times that he’d go out and sleep with other women, then have them call me directly to tell me how great of a lover he is. He tells me all the time that I would be nothing without him, and if I ever do anything to push him to the limit, I would be penny-less and miserable.
His mother lives in a different country. But when she’s in town, she’s here for 1 – 3 months. During her stay, I never see him or her, because they’re always together. I’m rarely invited to join them. I just stay home like a housekeeper. I’ll even get an occasional phone call during the day on the house landline. I suspect that he doesn’t call me to say hello, or just to see if I’m alright. Instead, I think he calls to check on me to make sure I’m home. If I don’t pick up the landline, he’ll call my cellphone. Then he’ll ask where I am, what I’m doing, all the details. I have to report to him exactly where I am, what I’m doing, and why. If I’m at the store buying something, I have to tell him which store I’m at, and what I’m buying, and where I’m going afterwards.
I feel completely deflated. I’ve done everything to try and please him, but nothing seems to be good enough. Nothing pleases his mother either. It seems like she doesn’t ever want him to get married, and he’d never leave his mother to have a family of his own. It seems like money is the driver of all their desires and reason for living. They have no sense of compassion or remorse for people they may hurt. I am a prisoner in this house, who is holding on to hope that does not even exist in this case. But it’s so hard to leave, because I’ve invested so much of myself into this relationship. I hoping things will change, and get better.
I get the feeling that my boyfriend and his mother are an inseparable team, and that she’s not too concerned about me. This may be so, because she probably knows that her son will not marry, and that I will be disposed of and replaced eventually. The question is: how to I get the strength to move on from here? Could there be hope in this relationship? If we do get married, could things change? Would I ever be considered as “part of the family?”
My boyfriend made it clear to me that in the event we do get married, (maybe after the passing of his mother, since she’s 80 years old) I would be required to sign a prenup, and that if I ever disobey him, he would divorce at a moments notice. Do you really think a person would really be capable of being that cold?
Dear Mamma’s Boy Girl,
You’re right, your man-boy does have a lover…. it’s his mother. Platonic yes, but his lover just the same. She is his first and true one. He treats you horribly to show his love for her. She speaks negatively of everyone because this keeps attention off of her own character flaws. He also seems to have a hunter mentality. That is to say, he loves the thrill of the hunt, but once he catches his prey. like a cat who bats a mouse between his paws, never killing it, but never letting it go, until he becomes bored, only to hunt it another day. I watched a cat do this once. The little mouse was terrified and confused when the cat finally let it go… it ran this way and that way until it found its bearings and then found its way to a safe haven. I sensed this wasn’t the cat’s first go around with the little weakened mouse.
Never mind the other women, they are simply on the same path as you have been with the same man that you have been with, the last 2.5 years. They may be at the begining of the path, but you are now nearly finished on your walk. Pray for them. Do not despair. There is hope of release.
The authentic issues for you, do not lie with the mother who could live well into her ninties. They do not lie with the adult-boy of the mother. They are truly with you. Breathe. This is the best possible news!
You can’t fix them.
You CAN fix you.
You are all you have control of.
Look at YOU.
So let’s talk about what you will give up. What investment? An emotional one? It appears as though all you own or have aquired was through the man-boy. What did you have before you got into this energy sucking situation? If you broke free, could you regain what you had before you got involved with him? Are you impatient or are you okay that the journey might be a long one? (Consider the journey you are on now). Why are his resources so important to you? They are superficial. Think! Ask yourself, “What have I given up to receive such resources? Why did I feel as though the violent trade-offs were worthwhile ones? Where did my present values come from? When did authentic values I once held so dear, change? How do I release and find my true north?”
Could you answer an ad in the paper for a room mate situation with another woman, perhaps a student who is bettering her life? Do you have a friend you can bunk with until you get back on your feet? It would be best to pick up the little you have along with your sanity and leave that immediate area. Even move to a different state. It may be for you that the man-boy’s life style has become like an addiction. What are the steps an addict must take to gain release? You may need to leave every one and every thing. I don’t know. …but you do. There is something spectacular about starting over. There is a new energy that emits from your very being when you take a leap of faith in yourself.
Go into meditation and ask yourself, “If I stay in this situation, what does my life look like in 5 more years? Am I truly happy in my choice?” He has already told you what he is going to do. He is going to wine and dine a woman to call you and tell you how good his sex is with her. Is this what you are really seeking in your life? If so, then stay.
Do you think a baby would be emotionally safe being raised by a man-boy of this caliber? If it was a male child, what kind of role model would this biological father be? Wouldn’t the action of the possible sperm donor father show the son that it’s okay to abuse a woman on every level? In a way, if you produce a child through his seed, you could be committing child abuse by bringing a child into such a chaotic situation. ….and besides, what makes you think he and his money wouldn’t buy the powerful lawyers who could easily kick you to the curb thereby allowing he and his mother or some other woman to raise the child? How would you feel about that? Do you really wish to create this new horrible reality that will haunt you for the next 25 years?
This man-boy steals from you. He is a thief of the worst kind. He steals your dignity. He steals your sense of self. He is stealing your very character. He’s laughing about it. His side kick of a mother is egging him on and enjoying it. Are they mentally ill? Just because a person has aquired millions it in no way equates to having a healthy human spirit. If a mentally ill person tried this and you knew they were mentally ill, you would stop them. …yet you do not save yourself from this man-boy and his mamma.
Ask yourself what your talents and skills were before you met the man-boy and his mommy. What contributions were you offering to yourself and others? Was there a time in your life when you felt truly worthwhile? When you were on your best path? What did that feel like? That confidence in your self. That courage in your own accomplishments. What would it feel like for you to help someone and for them to appreciate you for your acts of simple kindness? What would it feel like to once again be seen by someone when they look at you? What does that “feel” like to breathe with dignity…to breathe with confidence…to breathe with your whole beautiful self!?
Find your courage through meditation. Remember what it felt like to be confident and abundant. Not with things but in spirit. Attitude is more important than the fact. Bring it!
When you pack what was yours before you met these people, only take what was yours. You really do not know them. They are strangers. They certainly do not care to know you. The man-boy’s actions are very clear. He wishes to only control you like the cat with the mouse. The man-child’s devastating behavior is no reflection on you….. believe me, he would treat any woman with this kind of unawakened conciousness. This has little to do with you. You are a tool for his ego play.
Leave the cell phone. Leave the car if it is not in your name. Cut all financial ties. Get your name off of any contractual agreements. If you wish to leave a note, keep it very short. Unemotional. It is not practical that you stay. State it as such. Ask him not to have any contact with you for 12 months. Leave no direct forwarding information. Have mail forwarded to a P.O. Box in a different state if you need to and have a friend mail it to you weekly if you feel you must. I would predict that within a week, he will have a new lover. His ego will allow for nothing less.
You are starting over. Walk away. Breathe. Breathe. You, like many women before you over hundreds of years… have started over. Do not look back. There is emptiness. The only emotions you will feel are of the bombs you felt. They are only emotions. BE logical. BE practical. You can not go back to such death and destruction. There is nothing to go back to. Let. It. Go.
You are in a country of great resource. Draw from the energy of every woman who ever lifted her own self up and out. You could begin finding resources right now. You are not an uneducated woman. There is always hope as long as you breathe in and breathe out….. consider your self. Consider if you went back to square one….what delightful possibilities could unfold? What true beauty is before you that you can not see for all the smoke and mirrors that have been placed around you?
You are the mouse, you are batted by the cat, you are so confused. You finally find your way back to your hole of safety but you are never safe because you will continue to come out of that very same hole each day and the cat will be there to enjoy tormenting you. It is a familiar misery. It can never bring you peace. Where do you find your peace? Dig deep. Go there.
If a person who you had known many decades and loved came to you with this very problem…what kind of advice would you offer?
I hope I have helped. You really do know what you can gift yourself right now. I can read between the lines of your story. You know your own answers to the questions you are asking. Wishing you the very best, ~C
A mutual friend told me to write you – my story is very complicated and I have written paragraphs and deleted them – it’s just so much to tell, and I took to heart your directive to not make excuses – but it is very hard to get to the point without some background.
Bottomline – I am 45 years old and have doubted my self-worth most of my life. My father killed himself in front of me when I was 8 years old. He loved me very much – in fact to this day my four other siblings, who are much older – 8-20 years – tease me about being “spoiled” because Daddy loved me so much it hurt them. I still don’t see how they can’t see that by his own hand – he denied loving me at all.
I was only 8. I didn’t understand and I still don’t. I have had difficult relationships with men ever since. I let them use me – I am a pleaser. It never works. The last one of 14 years just left me for a younger woman – had an affair while I was taking care of my dying mother and I was suffering from a serious physical injury to boot. The last year has been very rough and I am still in physical pain.
Ironically, all of my long-term platonic friends are men- I have a couple of them that I know love my unconditionally and have been my friend for more than ten years. I trust them. I only have one female friendship that is long-term (29 years), she was married to my brother – and I chose her in the divorce.
My relationships with most women are very complicated. I don’t have long term relationships with women – something always happens and it’s over forever and I never know why. I can’t ever even point to an incident or a disagreement that fractured the relationship- they just stop calling or answering my calls.
I am terrified of being alone the rest of my life – I don’t see life as worth living if I have to do it alone. I have done both – and the last 14 years – even though it was not perfect (some of my friends even say it was even abusive) were more bearable because someone was there in body if not in-spirit.
Our mutual friend said that I needed to be okay with being alone or I will just end up settling again for less than I deserve. But there is the rub – I don’t really believe I deserve anything – if the one man who loved me “SO MUCH” that other people hurt – thought it was okay to leave me with all of those questions- then I just can’t be worth much. I have spent 37 years thinking this – I don’t know how to stop or believe I deserve anything better.
I did go to psycho-therapy for four years in my early twenties – and it did help. I am not prepared to do that again now – I don’t know what someone could tell me that I don’t already know. I don’t really think I can be fixed – it has been too long – too much scar tissue – no hope.
But then again – I am writing you – so I must believe there is a glimmer – or this was just pointless keystrokes for no reason at all…
My Answer;
Roxanne thank you for your story. Your background was informative and I am appreciative of your truths. Though none of us can assume we know the core beliefs of another… you have done a good job of helping me with my response. Indeed, your experience at the age of 8 is complicated.. … and there are several issues you are asking to address. One of the parts I do not know and must assume, is that your father had been thinking about taking his own life for a long time. The chemistry in his head was toxic. His thoughts turned into actions and his actions brought the same repetitions of unfulfilled outcome which confirmed for him time and again, in his wounded mind, life was not worth living. Do you think after a time, he began to look for the negative outcomes? Even create patterns? This, so he could confirm his bad luck? Back in his day, society would never have allowed him to appear weak and still respect him completely, as a manly man. (Think John Wayne).
Depression unto suicide is what happened to many fathers across the country in that decade. Because of all those precious father’s lives lost, this is exactly what allowed other men to be able to now show their feelings and still be accepted by our social culture today, in this decade. Look how many fathers, and how many decades it took. In this way, your father’s death was not in vain. He contributed to a serious plight and because of him, our society is more accepting of men who suffer from mental illness. What we can consider, is that in his pain filled thinking patterns, he may have felt small, undeserving, unworthy, and he may have succumbed to the sensation of circling like a hawk, around his own pain, eventually, going in for his own kill. The resources for helping any of these men, 37 years ago, just weren’t there.
I like to speculate: Young you; like a puppy, may have been the only symbol of purity he believed he saw within his limited thinking. He wanted out of his pain but he didn’t want to go alone. He could have killed you too, but he wasn’t sure where he was going (feelings of unworthiness) and in this way, he loved you too much to take you on his next path of uncertainty. After all, the siblings were 8 ~10 years older, you were still pure. On the other hand, he may not have wanted to be forgotten… (and you have not)…. so instead of taking the whole of you… he decided to share part of you, with you. He left you, but took you too. In doing this, he inadvertently created a prison for you and there you have lived for 37 years. At the age of 45, you are now choosing to stay in that prison he created because of your own familiar and established patterns. So let’s look around your possible patterns without judgment.
Could your siblings unknowingly be a part of the toxic patterns? Because your father chose to kill himself in front of you… ~ a most horrific experience ~ perhaps then, your siblings fell into a verbal pattern of telling you, “Daddy loved you the most….” At their core, they may hate him for what he did to you, and the only way they could think to protect you at the time, 37 years ago, was to keep repeating the pattern, that he loved you the most. They may have felt guilty for not being there with you. At their core, they may feel abandoned by his actions, why did he choose you and not them? Were they not worthy of such an honest truth as death? Or, damn him for doing that in front of my little sister! Or perhaps they say what they think you want or need to hear? See we really can’t judge how another feels at their core. Perhaps they just want to stop thinking about it, forever. ..but they can’t, so they (and you) may have gone on “automatic pilot” and just keep repeating old verbage. It’s a safe misery yes? When they interact with you… they could also feel a very real sense of helplessness and then, self-loathing. On some level, you might be contributing to this with your words or actions or even the way you carry yourself. These are all sad feelings.
Your father’s legacy is 2-fold. He was part of the change in society’s acceptance for men who suffer from mental illness… out of something horrible… something good happened. On the other hand… because of that mental illness, he did splinter your psyche, and your siblings as well. Yes he did! Hey, if a mentally ill person came into your life today, and you were well aware of their condition, would you allow them to lead you? Make decisions for you? Care for your well being? I would venture to say, that is a bit of a crazy question… because you today, would recognize their instability and be kind, but not allow them to lead you. Yet, your father still leads you. How is he different from other people who suffer with mental illness?
My question is: How long do you wish to stay in your prison which is now, self-imposed? Well? Are you up to the challenge? It’s really a rather exciting one. It feels like a flower blossoming in slow motion if you can accept change, for what it really is. Go ahead, touch it.. it may feel just like liberation. Pause. Ponder. Hmmm, what does liberation feel like? Well, if you’re in Sudan, it could mean all the water you could ever want. If you’re in a prison in Turkey, it could mean sunlight. If you’re a Jew in a concentration camp, it could mean freedom to worship the way you wish… if you’re a slave, it could mean working your own abundant land and reaping that harvest, and so much more. Get inside the head of those people.. that’s what liberation might feel like. If you’re a child who watched his father die, it could mean………? (Fill in the blank).
If given the power, would you deny them that feeling of liberation? So, why would you deny yourself but not them? There are people who believe they are unworthy of seeking their own highest good…. would you tell them they are right not to seek it? You are no different. We are all cut from the same human cloth. So, are we right to seek our own highest good or are we wrong?
Let’s address the relationships issue. …but from your ex boyfriend’s perspective: His affair with the other woman while you were caring for your sick mother, could be a huge blessing for you since you were unable to let go on your own, of the toxic relationship. Additionally; his affair speaks to his own brokenness within his own self… securing a new relationship before he lets go of the old one….that is a measure of his character at this time. Don’t judge it… just say, it is what it is. Sigh. Perhaps finding solace in the arms of another woman, whatever her age, is the only way he could leave because he’s terrified of being alone. No matter what his actions are… I must ask you….. do you really want him in your life for the right reasons?? Do you really believe it is best for you to serve his ego needs, and fears, when your own are still so fragile?
Do not give your energy to that which you choose to be free from. Stand up, waaay up and be counted as a worthy human being. Just by the very act of you incarnating into life form… resonates with me, that you have a purpose, there is a plan for your existence in this world at this very time in history. We draw, or are attracted to a particular type of person often according to our state of woundedness at the time. You mention that some of your friends have stated that your last boyfriend was abusive. How did you come to draw him to you? Did you ponder a definition of the type of man you were looking for or were you just happy not to be alone? Was your love for this man centered in peace, or was it centered in fear?
Perhaps you could write a list of attributes you are looking for in a life partner, the kind of attributes which if there were no self-imposed blocks at all, would be granted for your highest good. You know, like no one really wants an energy sucking vampire or someone who is controlling, needy or depressed all the time. …but what about a partner who celebrates your achievements and even supports you in your soul work? If you had the power, what kind of man would you wish to draw to you? What kind of life partner would you wish to attract to achieve your highest good? Try and think of intangible things… issues of the heart and mind first. Go ahead, write the attributes down now… I’ll wait. Seriously, stop reading and begin writing. … …. …. ….now.
…look at what you’ve written….. Are YOU the attributes you are seeking? Hmmmmm. Become that which you wish to attract. All the parts are right within you. I promise. Moving on…..Perhaps the Ex left you for another because he hated who he had become when he abused you. Could it be that the universe can not bring a healthy relationship to you because …………..? Your boundaries are too wide? Partners need boundaries to be set… you set few in your last relationship because your head chatter is telling you that you are not worthy to ask or require any thing good for yourself.. Who made that rule on you? More importantly, is it still your rule? At 45 years old, you are a full adult with full rights. Make YOUR best choice and stick with it. We teach people how we want to be treated. We set our own boundaries. I don’t care what you look like, I don’t care what clothes you wear, I don’t care what kind of car you drive. Set your boundaries.
Look at women you admire and watch them in action! Everyone, EVERY SINGLE ONE of us, has a sad story…. but how did those women rise up? HOW? You don’t even have to ask them… you really know. You really know how to do this too. Observe the angle of their head when they talk truth. Listen to the inflections in their voice tones. Look at their body language. Look deep into the soul of a strong centered woman right through her eyes and know, you are cut from the same cloth. You are a woman too.
The truth about you is defined by no one, no event, outside of yourself. It just isn’t. That’s head chatter…tell that head chatter it’s bull shit. Treat it as such and move on. Choose a new day. Then, once you teach your own head chatter how you want to be treated… you will teach your relationships… then you will become a beacon to other broken woman on the path of healing. …. Begin. These past 37 years are not in vain. Not at all! Apply your great wisdom to your self. If your true self were your own best friend, what kind of advice would you give you? How would you really support you?
You don’t say why you chose your ex-sister-in-law after the divorce. You don’t say why you felt compelled to choose at all, but you brought it up. Ask yourself why you felt you had to choose. No, not the surface reason. The REAL reason. It’s buried somewhere deep within yourself. Pause. Go deeper. Is the real reason worthy of having to make a choice? Why would your ex-sister-in-law ever encourage you to even choose? If she didn’t, then did she discourage you from choosing between your brother and her? Are you judging your sibling harshly for the divorce when you really can’t know the core of his personal issue within that marriage? What part did she play in this divorce? Has she taken core responsibility for her part? Holding on to all this righteous judgment is like you taking a poison hoping your brother will stay sick. What are the REAL reasons you cut him out of your life? Do those reasons have much to do with the divorce, really? I’m not saying that you should bring your brother back in to your life… not at all. There is a time for cutting people out. Certainly. Family or not. I’m just asking you to think truthfully about why he’s cut out. Isn’t cutting someone out a way of telling them with actions that they are not worthy? Is he cut out “forever?” He may be. It’s always easier to just cut people out ay? The suffering stops, sort of. At least it dulls. Sometimes that’s as good as it can be. These are just my thoughts with the short bit of information you offer. No judgments on my part.
I’m reading a pattern of finality in your relationships. Why are relationships “over forever?” and Roxanne, you do know why. Get out of your own way and release the truth up to the surface. What is your responsibility in the friendships? Is it even possible that, in the exchange of friendship with most women, that you were the betrayer on some level? Think deeply and without self criticism about this. Remember, we can’t know the core head chatter within someone else, only our self. Think back, were there any instances where you could have exhausted a woman friend with your words or deeds? We can only ever, look at our own conduct after a relationship is broken, “forever” and see what we could have done, reacted, said, touched… intended… differently. Are you unconsciously continuing the legacy that began, when your father’s actions broke you? Suicide is another form of “forever.” Now, could it have quietly transferred inside your circle of female friendships and now that too, has become a “given” or a pattern? Could it be, at 45, you may meet women friends and unconsciously just expect the sisterhood not to work out so you don’t invest yourself on an authentic level? People can sense that you know….. That withdrawing…. That holding back. They can’t pin point it… but “something” doesn’t feel right. So, where are your unconscious intentions when you relate to women? Girl, bring it forward!
I’m sure a psychologist might say that your platonic long term relationships with men have a connection to the loss of your father. Consider this though…. that relationships with women friends require us to hold ourselves to a higher standard. A woman knows a woman like no man can. Men are fun, they’re wired differently. I find men fascinating! ..and even in a platonic relationship, there can some times be the safe sexual tension. Even with gay men. So that’s a nice bonus! …but women, they require us to show a truer side of ourselves…because they are wired the same. They know our verbal meanings well because they have said the same thing and felt the same or similar truths from right inside their own female body. With strong women, there endures, a sisterhood, for better or for worse. Men friends are just easier to be around, aren’t they? I mean over all…. They don’t often require us to grow. They just enjoy our company. Delightful! Ego stroked! Sloppy! Yay!
There is always a reason women just stop calling or returning calls. Perhaps there was no authentic 2-way connection established. Or, perhaps they are not equipped to take on our pain? That’s okay. Your pain is not necessarily someone’s assignment to heal. What is going on with your energy that makes them uneasy? Change your thinking, change your life! You do know why, get to the conduct of intention. Write down what YOU could have done differently to have changed the outcome. Women are so worth the friendships. If you are able to “work awakened” to your intentions and maintain a sisterhood, you will expand your spiritual horizons in beautiful ways. I’m not saying that all women are safe zones… but don’t give up. Stop denying your self these opportunities. To deny is to say, “I’m not worthy..” and that is simply a lie.
You say you are “terrified” of being alone… well, that is a feeling. Terror…but really, what does it mean for you? Does being alone mean darkness? Like alone in a coffin? (Who really lives in a coffin?) Ask yourself what your terror feels like? How would you define it? Find words. Write 4 of them down on paper. (Go ahead, I’ll wait). … … … … … …(I hope you are doing this because I have cared enough to write).
Now look at the words you wrote. Ask yourself…… “Could I move in a direction which corrects or heals the feelings behind the words I have written? How?” What can you actively do to help you, change your perspective? Hmmmm, I hear your head chatter talking…This is what I do….. STAND UP! Do some yoga moves right now! Stretch it out! Two minutes of Yogic stretching right now. Seriously, STAND UP! Or if you’re not able to, move any part of your body to bring a physical change. Even if it’s squeezing your butt cheeks together! Leave the room and walk around the house. 2 minutes! I’ll wait. Be aware of your breathing. Breathe out the head chatter. Breathe in the truth which is that, you desire changes in your patterns of perspective. Say it as you do the stretching, “I DESIRE CHANGES IN MY PATTERNS AND PERSPECTIVES! This is what worked for me, I hope it works for you my dear.
Exercise releases endorphins which change your brain chemistry. I am asking you to become an active participant in your life at the moments you need it most. By doing this (and only you know, did you? There’s still time)…. … you are taking charge of YOUR life. If you exercise on a daily basis, great…. but do it when your head chatter arrives. Every time and until you change your mental patterns. Shake it off. It’s useless to you. Choose to no longer give your energy to that which you choose to be free from.
Another way to stop the lie is to fill your mind with words of encouragement. This is what I do for myself….Find a good book that will keep your mind clear and focused. If the head chatter pops in… go read, out loud if you have to. Yell the positive words if you have to. When you begin to hear the head chatter… Think of these feelings of unworthiness as something which attacks your highest good, or if you have a spiritual community, you can exchange the word “highest good” for “soul.” Begin partnering with your soul. Care for it. Protect it. Head chatter attacks it. Defend it! You are a warrior woman like many other women around you… we are cut from the same cloth.
Continue to build healthy connections. …. eventually, when you let go of this pattern of negativity, you can begin to risk your heart a bit more in serious expansive relationships. Until then, change your senses of perspective. Let go of unhealthy attachments and expectations. (Read, your “Ex” here). Think of your “alone” time as though you have gone to a resort and are healing from a terminal illness which you just found the cure for! The catch is, no one can give it to you… you have to STAND UP and walk to the path which will lead you to the cure. You know just where the cure is, at the end of that path. Your intuition is what you will rely on. You’ve listened to your intuition before, when you were very young and during various other times of your life… but each time, the head chatter got louder and more forceful. The people you then attracted to yourself confirmed the head chattering lies of unworthiness.
Today, you’re choosing to no longer give your mind over to any force which is less than your own highest good. You are choosing to move forward, liberated from the negativity. Your desire is to BE your highest good so you can contribute to society in even bigger ways than you already are. You will do this by releasing your patterns of fear and self-loathing and seeing them for what they have always been. Patterns and nothing more.
Please consider Cognitive Therapy as your choice for your next step in helping you, heal you. Banish your head chatter. It’s useless. You are a warrior, put on your Armour and move forward now. It’s time. I hope I’ve been helpful. I’m humbled that you took the risk to contact me, and remember, there are many people who will read your story here, and then read my answer and find their own familiar truths in our words, together….. we may have just helped some one else….and so it goes. ~C
Your Question……….
I have come to you over the years for very insightful, unbiased advice, here I am again!
I have recently started dating a man that is wonderful! Very attractive, has a great job, intellegent, funny, and so far makes me laugh. He is a Black American. I have dated men of other colors or from other countries before, this has never been an issue. I originally come from a fairly prejudice area, however my family has always been loving and accepting of whomever I date.
I have moved to a new area about 3 years ago, and this new area is extremely prejudice and I am not sure I am ready for the new adventure in life!
However, if the sole reason I don’t want to go out with him is soley based on the color of his skin makes me no better than the people that would look down on me for my life choice!
Oh Carron, he really is most wonderful and I just don’t want this to be an issue in 6 months. I want to go forth and see where this leads and not worry about other people staring! I have never been one that cares what others think what is wrong with me! He is great! I haven’t really dated in the last year, and for me to feel like this is just stupid! What are your thoughts my dear friend?
My Answer….is your answer, which you have answered yourself…. you DO wish to pursue this delightful relationship. So, let’s look into the future reality of ignorant people who may be in positional power over you in the job market. Are you prepared to be passed over for job advances? It could happen. Since very few are willing to admit their own racism, people can be passive-aggressive like that, and this….. Are you prepared to be isolated and uninvited to parties, even by people you have been partying with already. Your words tell me you live in a town which sounds like its not about to make allowances.
….but he makes you happy. You feel a connection with him. Is he a man of integrity? Of solid character? Does he work in a job that brings respect to his family? If he has children, does he support those children, not only financially, but emotionally? If his mother is still alive, is his communication with her open and honest? If you marry him some day (or enter into formal partnership)… what would your marriage to him feel like? Will you feel safe financially and emotionally? Could he care for you in times of sickness? THESE are the questions I would be asking what ever the color of the skin is.
When we no longer can judge a person by the color of his skin but instead, the content of his character…. (not my words)…. well then.
So, you’re right, you can be part of the problem or part of the cure. The cure takes courage. Especially in a racist town. Martin Luther King lived it, but he did have a huge community behind him.
Look, your relationship may be long term or it may be short term, who can know? Move forward with caution anyway, and with your eyes wide open about all the consequences. Passion involves risk. It always will….but isn’t this the really good stuff of life?
If your relationship becomes long term into a life partnership…then you may consider moving to a place where you can feel a sense of authentic community. Or, grow a large one of like minded people, right where you are at. Are you okay with that possibility? I do think it’s naturally, easier to date and partner with people of the same skin color precisely because of the societal pressures you are already experiencing… I personally judge on content of character. …but you may know, I’ve often been fascinated by people who don’t look like me.
Thank you for your post, I hope I’ve been helpful. ~C
Several weeks (6 or more) of just plain strange feelings. I just cannot get on the right page of life. Cannot put my finger on what it is, which just cannot dismiss what is isn’t. I cannot get “comfortable” with myself. This is something new. Qualifying that statement. I will say that the uneasy, anxious feeling is not warranted to this degree as in past life experiences where the “event” preceded the emotion.
Grandma was rushed to the hospital, emergency surgery and all went well, but the last 24 hours were tough. I thought , well maybe this is what I’ve been anticipating?
My son left tonite for spring break-16 hour car drive-something I dread because of previous loss-and again I say is this the cause?
Then I just ask myself if I am getting to the point in my life where I am just NOT coping like I should be with LIFE.
I went to lunch with some really awesome women the other day. Listening to them on certain topics made me realize that I am just not that grown up when it comes to my son.
Today reminds me again that Grandma is just so special to me. Her and I have been through thick and thin-she is facing the end of her days and I need to be stronger-BRAVER!
What would you say to someone who people perceive as strong, but right now are feeling weak in their lives and just can’t really explain it?
All other times in my life that this has happened it was because of an event. ie;tragic death, accident
I guess what I am saying and not so well, and what is so unsettling this time, is that there has been NO event, nothing tragic, no accident, nothing…… and still this feeling no matter how I try, just looms and eats at me and it kills me to admit how awful it really is.
Hi Kiley, thanks for writing and helping me out with my research project.
The first thing that comes to me is that you might have your blood pressure checked. Feelings of anxiousness for no reason can shake through us for this reason.
Or:
ADD, your Grandmother’s health issues, but her title tells me she’s lived a long time and though the stress is present, culturally, you could handle her passing. Sad as it will be. You can compartmentalize it, tucking the most special memories and lessons into that spiritual part of your heart where others who have gone before her, reside.
AND:
If you have experienced ” tragic death, accident” as you stated, then the trip your precious son is making may be the cause and re-emergence of such illogical “impending doom.” Think back, did you know that he was going for the last six weeks before he left? Kiley…..did the “anxious” feelings begin about the time he informed you of the 16 hour drive? Or, if he informed you before… is it possible that you didn’t accept that it was in your personal psyche until six weeks before take off? Why six weeks? Perhaps it wasn’t your son’s trip at all which set it off.
Denial, fear and finally acceptance is a strange beast. You’ll have to get very quiet to remember the moment of the onset of such feelings. With our busy chatter box lives, we often don’t pay attention to the moments of real impact. Instead, we often signify the point of impact at the source of some thing outside of our selves.
Let’s visit this possibility: Could it be, your fears are founded in the trip your son is now on? Breathe. What other choice do you have? I commend you for not passing your fears through him and letting him go. You’re doing great!
May I suggest actual breathing exercises?
Imagine, when the stress wells up in you…(read this slowly)….. take a long controlling breath in… take it in until you feel the breath in the bottom of your belly (not the top)…then hold it for a second (acknowledging the feeling)…then slowly breathe it out in the same controlled manner. Do this at least 3 times, un-rushed. You might lay down on the floor to truly feel the in-breathing and out-breathing. Make this your replacement for fear. Each time the anxiety arrives. Begin your breathing exercise. Remember to hold the stress with your very last breath at the bottom of your belly, acknowledging, and then slowly letting it out and with it, bless, and send the anxiety gently on it’s way.
Bad things do happen to good people. Loved ones die miserably and suddenly and some are even expected. We experience separation anxiety. The kind that re-formats our soul. Could the head chatter brought on by real life tragic experiences in your past, be bleeding into your present situation of fear? I also think you could just have your blood pressure checked from time to time. It’s a simple thing.
Your son will return and have lots of festive stories to share with you… each time it may get easier to let him go… or not. You may choose to hang on to the fear. You may choose to breathe it through. It’s up to you.
Please know you don’t always have to be so brave. Please know that these women you went out to lunch with the other day, are often, not brave. Perhaps they have learned to lean on one another and it’s the surrender, which makes them brave. Being brave when you don’t really feel so brave doesn’t seem to me, like it could be living your best or most authentic life. If you’re scared, embrace that, then dissect it to feel if it’s even logical. It’s really very human not to always be brave. Did YOU set that unreasonable expectation a long time ago? What would happen if you wouldn’t be the brave one? Would it give some one else an opportunity to step up and experience what bravery might feel like within themselves? What would it feel like to be taken care of by a brave person? Is always putting on the brave face a service, or dis-service to those around you? These are just some simple questions to meditate on for yourself.
Thank you for having the courage to type, and then bravely pressing the “send” button for my blog, and then surrendering to the help of some one else. You have also helped others who quietly tell me they love reading this blog, that it makes them feel connected knowing others are experiencing some of the same issues they are. I’m feeling confident that your son will have lots of festive stories to share with you when he returns.
I have already had a couple of questions answered by reading other answers to their questions from you. Again I feel you truly have a gift for this. It is wonderful how you answer without judging anyone.
My problem lies within a situation of feeling as though I do not have the control over my own life with decisions such as where I go to look for a job. My spouse is very controlling. He feels that even though I have some classes in a town, 30 minutes away, I spend too much time there. My computer at home is either, not compatible or fast enough at times to use for my classes. Alot is done on the computer. This is the main reason for me to stay so long. I also recently had a friend tell me there was a job opening there in a doctors office she works in. Of course she is his friend as well and he had more contact info for her than I did. She told him and he told me about the job…not knowing it was in her town and not ours. When I mentioned where it was, he got all bent out of shape and made me feel as though if I did try for the job and got it, I would just add to our problems with his frustation of me being away from home too much. I really do not like to be treated this way, but really don’t like the conflict it causes between us when I try to discuss his being too controlling of me.
Any ideas how to better handle this?
Well Di,
This one can get really complicated, because of years of “head chatter”….. but it doesn’t have to be. Let’s begin. You don’t want to leave your husband. You want to work it out but the conflict between you two ostensibly becomes so inflamed that you bow down to avoid the grief and maybe even feelings of terror on some level. Could you write down what you feel when you think of the impending conflict? Are you feeling terrified on some level? Of what? What words would you use to describe what you feel when conflict is on the horizon and then, in the moment. Are you afraid he will leave you? Of being alone in this world? Some times reading what we wrote down helps us address our personal truths quicker. We ain’t gettin any younger! Time to get started on your clarity!
After writing your answers down, you can see them, ask yourself: Do I experience the negative feelings because he causes them within me?…or… do I experience negative feelings because I have not yet found the key to rise up and be the warrior woman I really am? Modern day warrior women don’t need to fight, they simply need to stand firmly, calmly, and be willing to follow through with their own personal growth in most circumstances. You are not speaking of outlandish projects. You are speaking of attending school and going to work. This is not illogical behavior. Are his reactions to your desired actions illogical? If you see that his actions are illogical, why then do you allow someone who is illogical to lead you?
((((((((Not today, but eventually, your goal would be to read your written feelings to your husband, do not expect him to validate how you feel. Announcing your new declaration, simply states that you are well aware of what’s been going on and the conflict within your self is much more important now, then the conflict that is outside yourself, with him. ))))))))
You have already answered one question so you have a starting point: You know you don’t like the conflict. (He knows you don’t like it either). This is a common situation between women and men, it’s just varying degrees and different stories. Often, the roles are reversed. Over the years of marriage, people lose their true north and need to pull their internal compass out. Conflict is usually the wake-up call. This is not a bad thing. Be thankful. Awaken.
I imagine if your husband is controlling you through guilt and a toxic kind of obligation to him, and you have been reacting by shrinking away from his outbursts for years, or decades…you have long ago taught him that all he has to do is rise up and you will quickly bow down, thereby letting go of your own power so he can keep his. Is this fair to you? … is it really fair to him in relation to his own personal growth? You are his life partner. Can you help him grow? He may need your help. No marriage is conflict free…sometimes conflicts last for years, but the love is there too.
Answer for yourself, “If I get the job…(or stay at school and study, or enjoy a cup of coffee with a school mate after school)….. what is the worst reaction from him that could happen? Can I live with that outcome? What can I do now, to prepare for the worst possible outcome? ”
Then, emotionally prepare. Do this by meditating or day dreaming on how it would feel to be able to accomplish these simple acts, guilt free. Remembering, many women you might admire in life never ever deal with this kind of oppression. What would it feel like to be in the mind of those women? Can you take the steps to make that happen for yourself? You know you want to or you would never have asked me your question. You ARE ready.
You must live in a small town where a 30 minute drive means something. If you lived in a city, the perspective on the 30 minute drive would change drastically. I’m also thinking, jobs in small towns must be hard to come by. Good luck with your interview.
What does your spouse really fear that he is so compelled to control you and not just be happy for your personal growth? It shouldn’t make a difference that you study in the town where you attend school. What if you wanted to sit and chat with a school mate over coffee after class? Is this allowed? Why should your joy and expansion for you, be a negative issue with him? Could it be that your ultimate job and scholastic expansion terrify him? Why? Does he fear that you’ll meet new people and leave him? Perhaps he doesn’t know how to just “be” by himself. (Many people don’t) so he in a way, traps you so he doesn’t have to feel lonely. Could that be it Di?
You say, “…of course she is a friend of his too…” This makes me think that you are not allowed (not really) to associate with anyone who he can’t oversee your friendships with. Most women don’t care about being friends with their girl friend’s husbands. They will do it though if they recognize the need of the woman friend., who is important to them. Imagine, you really are important to others! You are worth these women befriending your husband in order to hang out with you. Or…they may truly want to be his friend because of him…. or controlling your friendships may be his intended goal. Only you can answer this question and then your actions from the truth can help determine your future feelings of “lock down” or freedom.
Perhaps the darkest issue and the core of why he is compelled to control you is that he’s terrified of dying alone. He may not even be aware of it. It’s a scary issue to face…. and it usually is buried deep in the victim’s psyche, born out of some traumatic event. The crazy thing, is that it could have been something he watched on TV as a child or heard in church about Hell. Both, fear based. Are you planning on living there with him for another 10 years by avoiding conflict?
What are you going to do to make this decade free from guilt over choosing to better your life? Awaken and be mindful to not react as though you come from a country where you must ask your husband’s permission for personal growth. Be mindful of pro-activeness, which is free from fear. Know who you are at your own core. Let that Di, rise up now. He’s not holding you down. You are.
We teach people how we wanted to be treated. You can re-establish yourself within the circle of your relationship with your husband. It will take time, firm patience, and not feeling terrified of facing multiple conflicts. You love this man. Help him, but remember, a drowning person can’t save a drowning person. Help yourself first. Asking your question here, is a good first step.
I draw personal strength from this Buddhist saying, “There are two kinds of suffering. The kind of suffering that leads to more suffering, and the kind of suffering that leads to the end of suffering.”
The beginning of your personal growth will not be easy but if you get through the first part of helping your husband grow past his deep seeded fears ……then you will begin to grow bountiful! If you begin now to see your own light for what it is, at the end of your own days, the only regret will be that you didn’t start sooner to free yourself of such self imposed bondage. …If you don’t start soon, at the end of your days, you will count all that you wanted to try and do and then, feel a great sadness that your fear of conflict stopped you from knowing your own sweet potential. I hope I’ve helped you begin your authentic journey my dear. The best partners in life work hard to help us be who we are truly meant to be yes? Every woman has a warrior spirit. Explore yours.
Your Question:
” I need your help… i lost one of my kids on 3.18. the grief has been beyond horrible. i am having problems coming to terms with the thought of never seeing my son again. what i need from you, is the religion you are and your religion’s feelings on death and afterlife. can you help me out???
thanks “
My Answer:
Thank you for your inquiry…. Love is my religion. I FULLY believe your son, as is my husband who passed in 1998 of brain cancer are both… alive and well…. in a different realm. I FULLY know that I know (it’s my truth) that when i transition…. my husband, along with my dear friends Tammy, Matthew and Mariann, and Jerry will be ‘there’ to greet me. I never doubt it because I’ve experienced some visions that opened me up to these truths I hold.
When the body dies…the energy just continues and transforms. God doesn’t so much recognize the body…. but instead…the energy of intention emitting out of the body. Perhaps how we die is of no concern? When God created you…he took a piece of himself off (only to regenerate), he held it up and let it go to the Universe. “IT” incarnated and your immediate caretakers called your birth name. When your son contracted for an earth-bound life… God took a piece of himself off, held it up and you named your boy. He came to earth, did his time and that was his contract. The body let go but the energy continues…. think about it… God wouldn’t kill “Itself”. IT … the thing ITself, is intelligent energy: God!
I am not saying you don’t get to grieve and cry and howl, I certainly would… the separation anxiety is horrible. That’s a fact….but consider the spiritual possibility that he is around you….. he lives in both worlds… he knows your grieving and frankly, wishes you would stop and get on with your life….. he’s not in any pain, your son is in total knowledge of the FULL picture. It concerns him that you are still grieving so much… he feels you are wasting precious time while earth-bound yourself.
He feels a LOT of joy, EVERY day and if he could choose for you…he would choose JOY for you as well. …He would want you to know and have what he does. He finally GETS it….but you don’t .
So, how do we deal with grief here on earth?… we do this through an earthly way… when the wave of sorrow shows up… recognize it for what it is… an earthly emotion….. welcome it… say, “Oh sorrow, you are here again…. then breathe it in (a deep abiding breath)…. hold the breath deep in your body… welcome it…love it… hug it within yourself…. then slowly, breathe it out…. each time this sorrow shows up….. repeat…. allow it to enter.. it is part of the human experience…. it is YOUR experience and no one can take it or relieve you of it. It is a….one of many….your contract with life. Recognize it… breathe that sorrow in… hold it, hug it, love it, welcome it, feel it….. gently, lovingly….breathe it right back out….. do the work you contracted for. Your son did his work and he continues, but just from the other side of the veil …there is only a thin veil between us and heaven. Enjoy your time here… and know that he is fully and totally safe and enjoying his time where he is at. He will show you around when you get there…. but until then…. have fun!
It’s a BIG love… don’t place limits with fear or expectation…. don’t limit GOD! Just breathe God in…..love it…. breathe God out…. God is joy, God is also sorrow… it’s ALL God.
I hope I’ve helped dear.
Wishing you the very best.
I have recently started working again after a very long break. I am adjusting quite well to all the members and get along well with most of the staff. I am having an issue with a younger staff memmber, he is my son’s age, and he works in my office on weekends. He is constantly laughing at my mistakes, told me the other day, “Way to suck.” when I did something wrong. There are other situations where he is supposed to be teaching me something on a day he is in the Yard (detailing the boats) I feel he spends way more time confusing me so he can come in out of the heat. Then when I am unconfortable completing the task he has not shown how to do in the first place, I feel incompetant. I have not spoken to my supervisor yet as he is on vacation, not to mention I don’t want to be the new girl tattling on the kid. Is it that this kid, is just that a kid? Or am I so thinned skinned these days I am allowing him to make me pissy on the days he is here. Also,he just comes in the store whenever he choose plops down in my chair and proceeds to check his e-mail or surf the web and is very unprofessional. UGH!
Hi New Girl,
Thanks for your question. It has several levels which we can address. I’m not sure how old your son is, but I’m thinking a kid who plops down, checks his email and tells you, you suck, is between 16 and 21.
There are several ways to correct the situation. (You didn’t mention how long you have allowed it to go on).
If he is saying things which permit a loud distance between the two of you…..then he’s quite possibility intimidated by you. But why?
Life Lesson:
You could show him a picture of your son. With gentle tones: ask him how old his mother is. Ask him about his relationship with his mother. This might tell you alot.
If he has a relationship with his mother, ask him if he treats her the same way as you. His actions towards you, could be this very point of reference. This could then be the springboard for an indepth conversation about how women in general want to be treated. Take your time.
You could become his greatest teacher if you could lift yourself out of receiving his utter stupidity, as personal. I’m sure you’re very competent, don’t allow an emotionally ignorant kid to define your work day. He doesn’t have the ability to fire you, does he? Do you fear he could turn other staff members against you? Build authentic relationship with each of them so he looks like the idiot or at best, he wants to share with you what they do.
You could tell him that if he isn’t clear about teaching you the protocol, then this will reflect poorly on HIM when the supervisor comes back, since HE is the one in charge of training you. With apologetic tones say, “I’ll have to let the supervisor know you refused to train me correctly…”
What is his relationship with the Supervisor? After trying the above advice and if you know the boy’s relationship is not established with the supervisor…
You could be very direct with the boy. (You didn’t say if you were in charge or you both were equal in job level). Either way, he’s terribly unprofessional. List your rules of employee respect. Hand him the list (keep your copy). Explain to him that if he can’t abide by the rules of common professional employment, then you’ll be calling a meeting with the Supervisor or Employer and sharing the list with them.
It’s not personal, it’s professional. With clients so hard to come by in this economy and at an all time low, “we” don’t want to scare any of them off by making them as uncomfortable as he has made you feel. Having slackers in the office while paying clients are around is unprofessional. You might tell him he can check his email on his breaks as an act of compromise or kindness on your part.
I hope I’ve helped, :>)
I am having serious roommate issues. I am a clean freak she is not. I used to constantly pick up her things and finally gave up when she told me she will eventually get it maybe not in time frame I require but she would get it. I have sometimes waited 2 weeks for her to get it… I even have tried the ‘if you can’t beat them join them’….we both know how that worked out. Now her boyfriend is practically living there and there is 2 times the clutter from them. Last night I tripped over his shoes and knocked over a chair of which was covered in her stuff…When it is her turn for the trash or dishwasher, again in her own time.
Neither of us can afford to live without the other. I have spent the last few years not working so I haven’t really minded taking care of certain things, however working fulltime again, I am just as tired as she is……
Thoughts?
Dear Tired,
Exhausted might be the better word yes? For some one who is a clean freak…living with a slob has got to be a strong endurance test.
For you: Cleanliness could symbolize order in an otherwise chaotic world. A clean home is something you can control (so much is out of our control these days)….. coming into a clean home could bring a person such as yourself a peaceful feeling which can set your mood for the rest of the evening, you could wake up, renewed. Perhaps your work day is metaphorically messy and your home is free from clutter? Do you want your visual atmosphere, in your home, to be simplistic so you can wind down? This would be a reasonable request. Perhaps for you, a clean house is an extension of yourself and how you feel about your own persona? No matter the reason, you like a clean house.
Your room mate, who you do not wish to break free from has a very different sense of peacefulness. She puts no effort into picking up after herself because for her, there is no payoff. Messy or clean has no bearing on her mental well being. She doesn’t ‘get’, what you really need.
Is she being unreasonable?
Do you think she’s doing it intentionally or if on some level, she knows it burns you and this is conscious or unconsciously, her passive aggressive way of gaining some control over you? I imagine when you have “the talk” with she and her boyfriend, you can ask them both this direct question. No malice in your tones… it’s just a question.
You could try several paths. You could sit Miss. Messy down, along with her boyfriend and explain to them from your heart how the clutter causes you real anxiety and that you do not have a sense of peace in your own home because you’re a visual person who needs to SEE order to feel it. Try to relate what you are feeling to something that is important to them. Say she’s a great dresser. What if she had to always wear wrinkled clothing?
If this doesn’t appeal to their sense of moral and compassionate understanding, then begin pricing maids. What does it cost in your part of the country for an affordable maid? You could hard line her explaining that she’s welcome to keep her own room as messy as she needs to but the common areas must be kept clean or the cost of a maid for common areas will be the price of the bid. Which would she prefer?
If you REALLY like her and this is the only problem in an otherwise comfortable friendship, then, since you are both working now…. you can offer to split the cost of weekly maid service.
If this is a no go, then you could begin picking up their stuff and simply throwing it in their bedroom. Every little thing. Just toss it and close the door.
My favorite idea is to buy her a gift certificate to a Hypnotist. Don’t laugh! I watched this on TV. The husband was super messy. The Hypnotist placed a feeling of anxiety in the mind of the husband and connected a mess with something he really disliked. So then, when the husband caused the mess…he began to feel very uneasy until he cleaned up. After a time… the immediate clean up around the house became the norm. It worked on both men and women.
When you have the dreaded talk, remember; you taught her how you wanted to be treated by always picking up after her when you were on your ‘very long vacation’. It’s just time now to put the breaks on and make a turn down a different road. Is she to be blamed? For all that time you kind of fed the situation.
I hope I’ve helped. ~C
Hey chum, I believe you’ve found yet another one of your callings! I’m a believer that we all can have several callings in life depending on the season. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is your season for this one. Nothin but mad love for you.
What a great tool. You have always inspired me any time I talk to you. You were the one who kicked my ass verbly and made me finally get this ugly divorce thing on the roll. Thank you so much. You give inner strength to those of us that need it. Keep on . You are one cool groovy chick.
Thanks, doris
I am so excited for you as well as those of us whom you have helped along our way. I know this will be the start of something wonderful. Thanks for taking your time to do this…it is so the time.
I have always said you have a “gift” and are a tremendous writer and able to express thoughts so beautifully. You write the way I think and I love your inner dialogue.
I look forward to your advice and “humor”.
More to come….
Good morning,
I have so many questions but I don’t know where to start. I will make a list and post them soon. You have helped me tremendously in the past, so I am confident you will do the same for many others. Peace!
This is a fantastic idea and I believe you will inspire many. I know you inspire me and I am so glad to have you and those near you as a part of my life!
This is a practically perfect vehicle for you. You have such refreshing insights and marvelous experiences and stories you can tell.
I look forward to hearing what you think as your new project proceeds. What a great idea!
Hi.
This is going to be a wonderful resource! So many people turn to you for help and advise…this will make it that much easier for friends and strangers to share meaningful dialogue with you!